So this week has been rough. I've had several times where I actually thought I was nearing a complete mental, physical, emotional BREAKDOWN. I've been doing so much deep breathing and trying to keep cool and collected as best as I can. Just enough to make it to nap time and then bed time. And then I just get ANGRY...I am so mad. annoyed. frustrated. that it has come to this! I am not the type of person to count the seconds to the end of the day. I try to be the person that cherishes life, embraces every moment and tries to look on the bright side of things. It's been really hard to do that lately.
It's no ONE BIG THING, just lots and lots AND LOTS of tiny little aggravating things that are piling up and slowly driving. me. NUTS.
I wake up every day with a renewed spirit and think, "OK, today couldn't possibly be as bad as yesterday. So I'm going to start fresh and have the best day ever."
I did that this morning. I even woke up a little early because I'm finding that my only true alone time is from 6:30 am until 7:00 am and I'll take that little half hour to pick up a few things, make myself some coffee...enjoy a little quiet in my life to maybe help me get through the day.
And then this morning when I went in to get Brooklynn there was poop all over her walls, all over her bed, all over her AGAIN. Immediately I felt my blood pressure raise several notches. Is God punishing me for some reason? WHY why WHY do I have the grossest kid on the planet? I could understand this happening once, but come on...it's getting and has been for a while COMPLETELY OUT OF HAND. This is at LEAST the 20th time I've had to clean up a similar mess. And that is being generous. It could be close to 30 or 40 times.
So many things go through my head while I'm scrubbing human waste off the walls. 1. Gross. I think I might be sick from the smell. 2. Why am I doing this AGAIN? Why is it my kid who does this? What can I possibly do to change this? 3. Everyone has advice for me on how to handle this. But for some reason...it seems like no one else that I've talked to has had this happen to them even once, so really I should be the expert by now. 4. I feel like it's my fault and for some reason everyone out there is judging me for my bad parenting and if I was a better parent for some reason this wouldn't happen to me. (since clearly it only happens to me.) 5. Gross. (Oh, that was number 1, too...but I think that one a lot.) And 6. I quit. This better be the last time I have to do this. And Gabby better not do it even once. And sadly, she probably will.
I also think thoughts like, "Great, now Brooklynn is going to get sick from this nasty room and we're going to have to deal with that, too!"
So on the flip side, my positive thoughts are, "Well, it HAS been quite a while since this has happened, she's doing better." I also tried to look for some sort of "message" like maybe God was trying to speak to me somehow through the poop writing on the wall...and came up with nothing. The diapers with duct tape have been working really well. Until today. When she made this mess with her diaper still duct taped ON. I'm out of ideas. Maybe this will spur me onto inventing some sort of thing to deal with all of my poopisodes. (Right now we have tried duct tape on the diaper which has been the longest running most effective method. We've also tried footy pajamas, footy pajamas safety-pinned closed, also on backwards so she can't reach the zipper, onesies, one-piece outfits....That is all I've got.)
Oh, did I mention this whole initial ordeal takes about an hour and a half to clean up? And that doesn't even count all the laundry involved. That is only stripping the bed, picking up all the little pieces of poop off the bed, the walls, the window, the floor (underneath her bed.) Moving the mattress to wash the walls and vacuum any pieces that are too small up...sanitizing, etc.
If motherhood was a job where I was actually employed I would have quit on the spot today. But I can't. I have to keep going. And somehow keep a smile on my face and continue to love unconditionally. And I do. I love both of my children so much. It's probably a good thing we aren't allowed to quit. But man I wish I could sometimes.